Losing Control

Okay so I am hoping that by the time we move into our house my attitude will straighten out. I am getting so frustrated with myself! A couple days ago me and Master got into a huge fight. And I admit, it was my fault. I was upset over something and we were laying in bed and I asked why he wasn't cuddling, he said I was upset and wanted me to cool down. And having a good sense now, that was a great response, but I took it the wrong way. I told him that was the last thing I wanted from him, was for him to be distant from me, I wanted him close. Well then I lied there for some odd minutes, still nothing from him, so I got all pissy and stormed out of the room saying "you don't care about me". So I went and sat on the couch, and guess what? He never came, so I'm thinking he is just ignoring me, so I go in the room and slam the door yelling that hes not even paying attention to me. Well, after I left and slammed the bedroom door the second time, Master got very angry and came and yelled at me to get into bed. I was about to, until he said something that hurt my feelings...well everything blew up from there and we had ourselves a little war..... Later after we talk and makeup I find that he wasn't ignoring me, he was asleep so I'm stupid and started a fight for nothing. I felt horrible that I treated Master that way and I asked him to spank me because I would not feel better until he did, even though he forgave me. So yes, Master spanked me. I still feel awful about the whole thing. I love Master! With all of my heart! I cant even believe I let myself get down to that level again. Ive had anger problems in the past, and being submissive really helps, and I let all of that go in an instant over something so stupid. I really hope I can improve myself much more after we get settled in. I want quality time with Master. He believes this is from stress due to the move and everything, but I know there is no excuse for this type of behavior. I have been better the last two days since then, but its still in the back of my mind, that I let Sir down...

Updates and a Thank You

Okay, so not too much has really been going on as you can tell, lol. But, We just got a call today, and the house we are trying to buy, might be ours tomorrow! We are so excited, and cant wait! I will definately post about the house after we move in, and everything. I hope this wont be my last post till then, but I dont know. We might be really busy trying to get the house move-in ready over the next couple weeks. We need to paint all the rooms, and get all of our new appliances and some blinds, cuz about three windows need blinds, and we need to also replace the garbage disposal. All minor things, which is good. But we are so happy, and we know our puppy will be happy there too. Master and I cant wait, we are sick of giving money up every month for someone elses mortgage, and it will be nice to be able to do whatever we want to our house. Plus, in the next year, we hope to try for our first baby. Something our family keeps pestering us about. lol. So I hope I can update at least once more before we move, but if not, it wont be long until the next. We will be moved in by the first, so its only a couple weeks.

Also, I just wanted to add how much being submissive helps our relationship so much, I dont even know if we would be where we are today if we never took this step in our relationship. We always had our stubborn power battles, and that no longer applies to us. he leads and I follow, but of course, he always listens to what I have to say when I give my opinion, and thats what I love so much about my husband. I think coming on to blogger and reading other submissive posts, and updating my blog keeps me in a submissive state of mind. I see how others are, and learn just what being submissve really is, and I look up to some of you for how devoted you are, and knowing some of your struggles are the same as mine make it so much easier. So I just want to say thank you to all the submissives out there who blog as much as they do, and who read mine as well. I could never do this alone, and it helps knowing there are other women out there who are taking the same path as I am.

My Cycle of Submission

You know, it seems as if its a never ending cycle for me. Two days good, one day bad, according to my Master. I hate to let him down like this. It makes him think that after he does something nice for me, like take me out for the day, that I end up acting up. Its not like that at all! I want him to know that. I love when he does nice things for me, I love it! And I appreciate every penny that man spends on me. Its just a bit difficult for me to be good 24/7 without a spanking every once in a while. Like I don't feel whole or something. Its so weird. Last night I acted a little bratty, nothing too bad, just childish, and he ended up spanking me. After that I stayed in our room and lied in bed until he came to bed. i felt so terrible, I don't want him to think he cant do nice things for me. I just need some direction every now and then. Sometimes he can let little things slide, and it makes me wonder, what can I get away with? And that's when the child in me comes out to play. Well, I am still learning, but I think I am doing so much better at being his sweet submissive.

Perfect

That is what I wish to be. Perfect in his eyes. Perfect to my standards. Perfect as in the perfect submissive. I struggle though. Its hard, and Ive been trying to be really serious about our D/s relationship for about a year now. Ive always been submissive though, its who i am. its only been a year since I realized how to put what i am to its fullest potential and who J is to his full self. Hes a dominant male, and to be honest, him having that control over me, that power, it gets us both hot. It turns me on like no other thing ever could. And me being submissive to him not only makes me happy and turns me on, but makes him very happy! but for something that makes us so happy, why is it so hard for me to do? Master tells me its just a matter of breaking so many years of bad habits. This is true....but why? Why cant I just submit in the highest manner possible to him with ease? That's what I want. That's perfection in my eyes. I want to be so submissive that it is noticeable to the public, that he is the dominant, and I obey him. Noticeable in a way that I don't need to call him by his preferred name at home, but people will just know when they see us at a restaurant, watch us in a mall. I'm really hard on myself because I realize that this gets me down and a bit depressed. I know this takes time. but the thing is, I sometimes worry about things I shouldn't even concern myself with. Like money, hes in charge of it, and me finding a job. He tells me he doesn't want me to have one yet, and not to worry, but I still do. I would hate for me to be on my last unemployment check with no job in line. He is always right though, and proves it to me again and again everyday...even though it pisses me off sometimes. lol