Our Horrible Incident!

Master and I have been dealing with so much crap lately. We are sooo ready for things to get better. So as any normal couple would do, we resort to sex to ease our stress. Of course, that has to get taken away too! I love pleasing my Master, and now, for who knows how long, I cant please him sexually. It all started a few nights ago, we noticed he had a couple little tiny "tears" on his frenulum. We think it had to do with these other condoms we had tried, that has less lube on them. So the other day, of course we cant help ourselves, think its probably okay. We pop in a porno, and start getting frisky. He gets in me and starts thrusting, and then does one deep hard thrust. He felt something, but didn't think much of it until he pulled out. He was bleeding! Oh my God imagine how worried I was! He had torn the skin again! But more! And this has never happened before. We have been together seven years. Why all the sudden now does this happen? I was so scared for him, I was ready to take him to the ER ASAP!!! Well, Master went online today to see if this has happened to other uncircumcised men. It has, and I guess he will need to go to the doctor to get it snipped. It looks like it hurts. I feel so bad for my Master. What is he to do? I guess we will have to wait till he goes to the doctor before we can have sex again. I still cant believe this happened, and I still have that thought stuck in my head. How horrible! He feels okay by the way, he says it just hurts if he pulls the skin back. Poor Master!

My Loving Master

The other day I had a breakdown. I feel so useless. I was hoping on this one job, they sounded interested, and then after a week of not returning my call, they tell me they moved on with a better candidate. I just broke down and started crying. Its going to be a year soon since I had a full time job. Master came over and just held me and let me cry in his arms. He reassured me we are okay, but I know the stress of making sure all our bills are paid is catching up with us. We would be well off if we didn't have like five credit card bills and if we didn't have my stupid car payment. But I'm thankful he can pay for everything, even if we don't really have any spending money left over. I love being at home with him anyways. We don't need to go out every weekend. He probably thinks I don't feel this way, but its true. The only reason I ever suggest going somewhere is because our friends ask us to meet them somewhere. But I realize there are times when we need to say no now. We just simply cant afford it, and Ive already told them no this last weekend. Kind of sucks, but if it means being at home with my Master and him not stressing about money, I'm very happy because the most important bill of all is our mortgage.

Making Him Proud

Today Master read my post, and while I was cooking dinner, he came and hugged me and told me he is glad I see it that way. That I understand. That made me so happy. I love getting approval from him, but I am going to really work on listening to him better because I know that when I don't, it just pushes him away. I feel bad he is at work right now. We both haven't felt that great today, so to make it up to him, when I came to visit him on his break, I tried to make him feel as relaxed and calm as possible. I rubbed his neck and stroked my fingers through his hair. I could tell he was enjoying it, he had his eyes closed. He wanted to come home so bad and sleep because today he did not get much sleep before work. I'm going to try and make sure there are no disturbances while hes sleeping.

But in other news, I am pretty proud of myself today. There was this website that was having a special on something I really wanted to buy, and I asked Master if I could buy it, and he said no because he already let me spend $60 this week. I could have easily just bought it without asking, or even bought it after he said no. But today I obeyed. I did not buy it, and it was something fairly cheap too. It wouldn't have made a big difference in our account at all, but it would be wrong for me to disobey him, and I know it would anger him. So today I accomplished something small, but too me it was big in the world of being subservient. Shopping is my weakness. So I'm hoping tomorrow will start off well for us, and maybe he will read this post, to see how big of an accomplishment that is to me. I know its kind of dumb, but if we weren't into this dynamic, I wouldn't have gave a shit, and I would have bought it anyways.

Master's Lectures

I had wrote a post of me ranting about Master lecturing me. It seems he ALWAYS is. But I read Kajira's post, and it showed me that he is lecturing me so much to get it into my head, for me to be a better submissive to him. I did not think of it this way. No, I thought he was just being flat out mean to me. But for me to publish that last post would be mean to him. He does his best to make sure things are paid for and that I have things I need. He doesn't have to do this. And he tells me this. He tells me he could just kick me out on the street. And this is what really makes me upset, but you know something, its true. It hurts to hear that from him, but he is right, and I realize he tells me this to show me how much he loves me. He loves me so much that he would never do that, even though he has the complete power and control to do so. In some ways that scares me. That he has that much power over me. But I love that he does have this control. It is the control and leadership I want and need from him. He said this to me again today, and it was in a very mean and hurtful way. It really took a hit to my heart. He said this because he was lecturing me, and I got pissed at him. I hate that I get mad about it, but in the end, whatever it may be that he is lecturing me about, I know he is right. I just need to learn to take a different approach to this. Like sit there, be quiet and take in everything hes saying as if it were the word of God. He gets upset with me when I don't listen, and it is disrespectful. I'm trying to improve this and I want to make him happy. He leads, and I follow. I just have to keep that in mind when a lecture starts.

Master's Request

Master said something interesting to me today. And how this happened was that I was challenging him to be my Master. Act more like my Master because he has been so lax on it lately. I did not say this in a rude way at all, and he did not take it that way either. He responded with "are you going to be my sweet submissive?" And I said, "if you be my Master". So he asked me if I could write out what kinds of things I guess I would expect of him as the Master. He said he will not follow them because he is the Master, but he is curious as to what I perceive him to be as my Master. Hmmm, he has never asked me this before, but I think he asked me this because I asked him to be more strict with me. I need more guidance from him. I don't feel like his submissive in life without his firm hand guiding me. I don't know what I will write to him, but I will post it. We definitely do not have an issue of him being his role in the bedroom of course, I just wish he would be that dominant with me 24/7. I love it!

Always Master's Girl

So I feel like I have been missing for a while, I hate not being able to log in here, its like part of my life because no one knows about our lifestyle besides us, and other bloggers. I like being able to talk about DD things, and I love reading other blogs. So lots of things have been going on lately. Master and I are now in school, and he is trying to balance school and work, while trying to get some sleep and be my Master all at the same time! Sometimes I feel awful that he is in this position. Maybe it would be easier if I had a job? I'm still trying to find one. Master doesn't mind too much anymore now that I am in school. He likes that I can concentrate on my school work. I just don't want him to put school off because his job is more important at the moment. In the long run that job ain't shit, but he is making a good living and is able to support us.

About two weeks ago Master was really stressed with the situation and wasn't sure if he could be my Master, wanted to be my Master. I locked myself in our room and wrote him a letter as to why he NEEDS to be the HOH and my Master. And in the note one of the things I said was that our personalities, and astrological signs just are not compatible when both of us try and work equally. He is a Sagittarius and I am a Capricorn. We either complement each other, or destroy each other. He knows this from experience. We had awful fights before this. And not to mention, we both love that he dominates me. We both get off on it, theres no doubt about that. But I think one of the things that led him to think this way was because I was not being "completely" submissive. I think my actions made him self conscious about the leader he is. I would just revert back to my old habits and not listen to him and be argumentative. I don't know why I do this, it is not the person I want to be. I want to be his submissive, and I am his submissive so I need to act like it. I just want him to know that no matter what, I am always his sweet submissive girl.

Busy with Life

I know some of you are looking forward to seeing my rules posted on my blog. I'm sorry it is taking so long for me to post them. Master and I have been so busy dealing with life. We are trying to get ready for college, I'm also trying to find a job, and his brother is getting married soon. We are just way too busy at the moment. Master still needs to finish the rules, he has a page done, but I don't want to post anything until they are complete, because some of them kind of fall into each other. Its like whenever we have a free moment, we just want to relax with each other, or when we are home sometimes it seems there is just more house duties for me to complete because we were out and about all day. I hope things slow down a bit soon, Master is stressed again. Just more and more bills, and I feel like hes stressed because of me. Because I don't have a job right now. All of his worries are centered around me and my situation. He hurts my feelings about this, and when I tell him, he says sorry and that we will be okay, but its like in a couple days it resurfaces. I am trying so hard to find work, but there is only so much I can do. I almost had a job, but then the guy decided he wasn't ready to hire me yet. I don't know what the deal is, but it just let me and Master both down. We thought our problems were solved, but they are not. Not yet. So once the rules are finished and in place, i will post them. It just seems like since Master is stressed, that this has been set aside for the time being. I hope things get better. I want things to be how they were.