Seeing Master's POV

I haven't been updating as much as I would like to lately, but I cant change the time that has passed, so here is an installment in the best timing I could do.

Being truly dominant has become so natural for Master. He is expressing himself more dominantly from the time we first started exploring DD. He has always been dominant, as I have stated before. A leader, competitive, and strong. Very intelligent and will debate about anything he feels strongly about, and doesn't stop until, in his mind, he wins. I love that about him. I love that he speaks his mind without fear of what someone will think about him. He stands his ground. Which goes into having to do with me. I said its become more natural for him to be Master, which helps me to be more submissive. But sometimes I hate when he is domineering, yet at the same time, he is putting me in my place, reminding me that he is the HOH. I am the submissive wife. What he says goes. Sometimes I hate that though. Like last week some friends wanted to hang out together, and he was already irritated. So as we were on our way, he got even more irritated at who knows what, flipped the car around and said "We are going home!" I thought this was unfair, and had my pouty face on, but Master does not like that. I told him its stupid how he was acting, and he told me that "Its my money and I will spend it how I want". So that was the end of that, and home we went. In my eyes unfair, yet, what he says goes. Another thing that happened was last night. He was at work, and he usually calls me on his first break. I didnt hear anything from him, at all, and I kept calling. I was so worried that something might have happened. I didnt hear from him till six hours later, at his lunch break. He said he couldnt take his first break because he was training some new people. I was so upset, I didnt care what the hell he was doing, he should have taken a break. I told him I was worried something happened, but Master did not like my attitude and told me if I didnt stop he was not going to talk to me until his last break when I would be in a "better" mood. So I didn't stop, and he hung up on me. I think that was mean and harsh considering I was worried. But now, a day later, I see his point. He is the Master and I need to speak to him with the most respect.

So thats what has been going on lately, I will try to update more often. Master likes to read my posts also. :)

Submitting to Him

I have come to realize that for me to be fully submissive to my husband, I need to follow him in everything. This brings me to the topic of getting a roommate. I am becoming more open to the idea, and I realize, Master is doing this for my benefit. The whole time his reasoning had to do with me. He loves me at home, and would love for my focus to strictly be on school. Im still not ready to accept a roommate at this time, and I am using Master's deadline to my advantage, but when the time comes, I will submit to his decision. He knows this, and Im sure he knew the whole time before he even broached the subject with me because he has been discussing this could be situation with the potential roomie. But in the end I realize I do not have a choice because I agreed to be his submissive.

He told me I have been a good girl lately. I feel I havent been the best to my abilities, but if Master says Im a good girl, thats what I am. I miss him telling me this. I feel most submissive to him when he says things like this to me. I feel loved and the center of his attention and desires. This is why a vanilla relationship will never work for me now. It will never be enough, vanilla relationships are so passive, and I think he feels the same. We need that extra attention to each other. Not to mention sex is so much more amazing with a D/s dynamic, although we sort of had one before reading about DD. I know this is a turn on for both of us, but I think if a vanilla couple were to try it, they might end up liking it too. Our relationship is smooth when we give it our all in our roles. I notice when we slack on being Dominant and submissive, our relationship gets rocky. I may not be the perfect submissive, but at least I can try.

A Little Update

I have not written in a while so now would be a good time I guess. Lately I feel I have been so "naggy". I hate it, and it just pushes Master away. We both haven't talked to each other in the sweetest voices lately either, and it makes me sad. Especially because we just celebrated our first year of marriage. I know we both have a lot on our shoulders right now, but I think he should try a little harder to be patient with me. He just always seems so irritated with me. Our first year of marriage just seems it was so much harder than it should have been, and we have dealt with so much crap. No newlywed should be so stressed. Its hard to focus on each others happiness when things seem to bare down on you. I think also what has him so irritable is that he is working more and different hours at work and still trying to juggle school. Its really stressful on him, especially since he is the breadwinner and has to worry about all of the bills by himself. He wants to get a roommate if I don't find stable work by February. I really don't want this, and his main reason for this is so I can just stay home while i am in school. Honestly Id rather go get the stupidest job and work instead of having a roommate. If im the homemaker, how am I suppose to keep things "just-so" if we have someone using our stuff and making their own messes all the time. We are married, and really do not need some other person staying here. Even if its a short while. I see the good points, but it also means we will have to keep DD / D/s on the DL, unless we be completely open and scare them away lol.

Our Horrible Incident!

Master and I have been dealing with so much crap lately. We are sooo ready for things to get better. So as any normal couple would do, we resort to sex to ease our stress. Of course, that has to get taken away too! I love pleasing my Master, and now, for who knows how long, I cant please him sexually. It all started a few nights ago, we noticed he had a couple little tiny "tears" on his frenulum. We think it had to do with these other condoms we had tried, that has less lube on them. So the other day, of course we cant help ourselves, think its probably okay. We pop in a porno, and start getting frisky. He gets in me and starts thrusting, and then does one deep hard thrust. He felt something, but didn't think much of it until he pulled out. He was bleeding! Oh my God imagine how worried I was! He had torn the skin again! But more! And this has never happened before. We have been together seven years. Why all the sudden now does this happen? I was so scared for him, I was ready to take him to the ER ASAP!!! Well, Master went online today to see if this has happened to other uncircumcised men. It has, and I guess he will need to go to the doctor to get it snipped. It looks like it hurts. I feel so bad for my Master. What is he to do? I guess we will have to wait till he goes to the doctor before we can have sex again. I still cant believe this happened, and I still have that thought stuck in my head. How horrible! He feels okay by the way, he says it just hurts if he pulls the skin back. Poor Master!

My Loving Master

The other day I had a breakdown. I feel so useless. I was hoping on this one job, they sounded interested, and then after a week of not returning my call, they tell me they moved on with a better candidate. I just broke down and started crying. Its going to be a year soon since I had a full time job. Master came over and just held me and let me cry in his arms. He reassured me we are okay, but I know the stress of making sure all our bills are paid is catching up with us. We would be well off if we didn't have like five credit card bills and if we didn't have my stupid car payment. But I'm thankful he can pay for everything, even if we don't really have any spending money left over. I love being at home with him anyways. We don't need to go out every weekend. He probably thinks I don't feel this way, but its true. The only reason I ever suggest going somewhere is because our friends ask us to meet them somewhere. But I realize there are times when we need to say no now. We just simply cant afford it, and Ive already told them no this last weekend. Kind of sucks, but if it means being at home with my Master and him not stressing about money, I'm very happy because the most important bill of all is our mortgage.

Making Him Proud

Today Master read my post, and while I was cooking dinner, he came and hugged me and told me he is glad I see it that way. That I understand. That made me so happy. I love getting approval from him, but I am going to really work on listening to him better because I know that when I don't, it just pushes him away. I feel bad he is at work right now. We both haven't felt that great today, so to make it up to him, when I came to visit him on his break, I tried to make him feel as relaxed and calm as possible. I rubbed his neck and stroked my fingers through his hair. I could tell he was enjoying it, he had his eyes closed. He wanted to come home so bad and sleep because today he did not get much sleep before work. I'm going to try and make sure there are no disturbances while hes sleeping.

But in other news, I am pretty proud of myself today. There was this website that was having a special on something I really wanted to buy, and I asked Master if I could buy it, and he said no because he already let me spend $60 this week. I could have easily just bought it without asking, or even bought it after he said no. But today I obeyed. I did not buy it, and it was something fairly cheap too. It wouldn't have made a big difference in our account at all, but it would be wrong for me to disobey him, and I know it would anger him. So today I accomplished something small, but too me it was big in the world of being subservient. Shopping is my weakness. So I'm hoping tomorrow will start off well for us, and maybe he will read this post, to see how big of an accomplishment that is to me. I know its kind of dumb, but if we weren't into this dynamic, I wouldn't have gave a shit, and I would have bought it anyways.

Master's Lectures

I had wrote a post of me ranting about Master lecturing me. It seems he ALWAYS is. But I read Kajira's post, and it showed me that he is lecturing me so much to get it into my head, for me to be a better submissive to him. I did not think of it this way. No, I thought he was just being flat out mean to me. But for me to publish that last post would be mean to him. He does his best to make sure things are paid for and that I have things I need. He doesn't have to do this. And he tells me this. He tells me he could just kick me out on the street. And this is what really makes me upset, but you know something, its true. It hurts to hear that from him, but he is right, and I realize he tells me this to show me how much he loves me. He loves me so much that he would never do that, even though he has the complete power and control to do so. In some ways that scares me. That he has that much power over me. But I love that he does have this control. It is the control and leadership I want and need from him. He said this to me again today, and it was in a very mean and hurtful way. It really took a hit to my heart. He said this because he was lecturing me, and I got pissed at him. I hate that I get mad about it, but in the end, whatever it may be that he is lecturing me about, I know he is right. I just need to learn to take a different approach to this. Like sit there, be quiet and take in everything hes saying as if it were the word of God. He gets upset with me when I don't listen, and it is disrespectful. I'm trying to improve this and I want to make him happy. He leads, and I follow. I just have to keep that in mind when a lecture starts.